How to Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety

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The following is an excerpt from my book.

Have you ever worried that a minor public gaffe would forever ruin your reputation?

The following should be very comforting:

In 2000, Social Psychologists Thomas Gilovich, Kenneth Savitsky, Victoria Husted Medvec coined a term to explain this sentiment: The Spotlight Effect.

Spotlight Effect: We assume that our appearances and behaviors garner more attention from others than they actually do.

In a series of experiments featuring volunteers wearing embarrassing clothing, researchers discovered that people overestimate the degree to which others focus on their appearance.

The Spotlight Effect is common because we view the world through our own eyes rather than considering the vantage points of others. This is rational, as we are privy to thoughts and experiences unknown to others (think: Fundamental Attribution Error). We overestimate the salience of our public behavior to the minds and eyes of others.

How can awareness of the Spotlight Effect be used to combat shyness and public insecurity?

Practical Application:

Remember the Spotlight Effect the next time you feel insecure in a public setting. Everyone else is too busy worrying about what you think of them to spend time obsessing over your appearance and conduct.

Learning social skills and overcoming shyness is something that’s developed over time. Be Proactive. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations and force yourself to interact with others in new settings. Little by little you can escalate your level of engagement. Start by looking strangers in the eye whenever you walk past them. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you will get used to it. Eventually, you can work on introducing yourself to new people and speaking your mind in unfamiliar settings.

Consider this: We all worry about our appearance and the clothes we wear each day. Think about the five people that you see most often throughout the week. Can you remember what clothes they wore yesterday? What color and style of pants and shirt?

If you can’t recall that information, you are not alone. Many of us cannot even remember what the people in our own households wore the previous day! Unless there is something particularly unusual or remarkable about a person’s appearance, we tend to forget what they wore the day before.

How can this be? Shouldn’t we be able to remember what someone else was wearing just 24 hours earlier?

People just don’t pay much attention to that information; we are too busy living our own lives.

If it’s not about “me, me, me”, it’s just not that important to us.

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